Look to the stars
I ran from my house, my landlord and his son were yelling again. I needed to get out, but I had to refuge. I was shaking as I pulled out of the driveway. Flying up the gravel road I gasped for air. I cranked to radio “Crazy Bitch” was playing, my song for the day. I stopped at the hiking trails in the Badlands with just enough daylight left to get lost in a crack in a butte. I sat smoking to calm my nerves. I looked at the moon; a thin slice of light growing brighter as the dusky hues fades. I sat there not thinking about anything, a rare occurrence for me. I stumbled through the black down the butte, concluding I had waited too long to make my way without several attempts at killing myself. I sat on the tank of my car, not wanting to leave, gazing up at the glittering curtain of night. I wanted to vanish in something mysterious and greater than my small life, bigger than the yelling and human emotion. I sat with that gaping awestruck look as the Leo constellation jumping out at me. Lying back; I relaxed and pondered how many other people might be doing this same thing. One of the law enforcement guys was headed home and stopped, “Beautiful night for stars,” he said. Idle chat was exchanged and I sat up to see him better through the dark. He paused and then whispers, “Wow, you are all sparkly, it’s your eyes.” I smiled, said “Have a good night.”, and want back to looking at the sky at he drove away. I was looking but not seeing, my thoughts drifting to a not so distance past; to the first time someone said that to me. It brought a smile to my lips and tears welled in my eyes. Trying to focus on anything but you, us, and what we had. I managed to pull my thoughts to other subjects, stupid stuff like grocery lists and chores. I gazed up at the diamond blanket above me one last time before forcing myself to return to my house. In that moment, I felt a loneliness I have never experienced before. I walked numb and tired into my house, striped off my clothes and crawled into bed. Unaware of my action, I twisted close to my body pillow. My leg thrown over it, in that way, my arm draped across it, my hand resting at it’s edge, my fingers curled around it, like it was a person. I drifted to that place somewhere between asleep and awake, the place where dreams live. There you were; holding me close, breathing slow and steady, asleep. Your mouth quivers a bit like I had witnessed many times before while I watch you sleep, feeling your heart beat. Thanking Gad for putting my next to you, feeling that I was the lucky woman alive, hoping it was all real and that it would never end. I awoke feeling sad and my eyes aches. My pillow was wet with tears, only then did I realize that I had been crying, probably all night. Question swiveled in my head: Does he think about me, about us; does it make him sad; does he even miss me? I dressed for work hoping it would be a busy day. I have this dull ache under my ribs, this swelling emptiness, and wash of loneliness tearing at my insides. I have fought back tears and lost the battle more than once today. I miss talking with you; I miss you being with me, making me feel calm, content and completely happy. I have good days and bad days, I wonder how you do it, no wonder you are depressed. I suppose a person accepts their misfortunes, morns their losses and tries to move on.